DH and I have attempted budgeting twice. The first time led to some serious marital issues. This second time has actually been a stabilizer in the marriage, has been fun, and has brought us closer. In this post I’ll share some of the tips for successful budgeting, with discussion of what has worked for us this time, and contrast that with what pretty much destroyed us the first time.
Start Slow
This time around with the budget we’ve started exceptionally slow. Instead of starting our budget by setting ambitious goals on how much we want to save and pay down on loans, we started by looking at how much we currently spend on various categories. For the first month, we didn’t even set a budget, we just each made a conscious effort to catalogue what we were spending normally. Then we broke this down into categories: set and necessary monthly bills, variable and necessary monthly expenses, variable and unnecessary monthly expenses. In the set necessary monthly bills we include rent, credit card payments, student loan payments, phone and internet, insurance and parking (even though this is bi-annual, we set aside the amount for these payments as if they were broken down monthly and stick the money in savings for the next time the bill is due), etc. In the variable necessary monthly expenses we include gas for the cars, electricity and gas for the house, food, laundry, and miscellaneous household upkeep (you know, toilet paper, shampoo, that kind of thing). In the variable unnecessary monthly expenses are separate accounts for dining out together, doing fun stuff on weekends (the wine and jazz festival, camping, rock climbing, etc.), our own allowances (for days when we forget to pack a lunch, want to buy cokes from the vending machine, DH’s fantasy novels and poker, my random addictions too many to list here, etc), and the garden. (Don’t get me started on the garden being considered an unnecessary expense, but at least my lobby to not have it taken out of my allowance was met favorably.) We designated an amount to put towards each sub-item equal to the amount we spent on it the first month, when we weren’t budgeting. Throughout the month we record where the money goes each day, and at the end of the month, we examine what can easily be trimmed without affecting our lifestyle too much. We do this every month, until we have an aggressive savings and payment plan in place.
Contrast this version with the version from the first time around: the aggressive savings and payment plan came first, and then we took what little money was left and tried to distribute it between the various categories all in one sharp transitional month. Our lifestyle changed very suddenly, and it was a painful process for both of us. We place different importance on the “unnecessary” budgeting areas, and caused no end of jealous guarding of funds as he wanted expensive bleu cheese and I wanted to buy a grill. Take note here that we thought I could feed us on less than a dollar a day. I can, and maybe we’ll do that experiment again, but let me tell you, it is NOT fun to go from a newlywed couple enjoying steak and wine to a newlywed couple eating bean stew three meals a day without a slow transition.
Individual Input and Commitment
This time around, we sat down together “family meeting” style and drew up our plan for how to approach the budget. After agreeing on a “slow start” with a month of no budgeting, just cataloging, we each committed to tracking our spending. Then we had another family meeting, and negotiated categories and amounts to go to each category. Because we each had equal say in how to categorize spending and how much money goes to each category, and the categories and dollar amounts were based on reality, we were able to give equal commitment to the budget. We also had a caveat for the first month that if we found our original plan was unsustainable in one area, we could change it for the next month. This gave each of us a sense of freedom with the budget instead of a sense of confinement and resentment towards the plan.
Contrast this with the first experiment, where DH drew up the budget based on his own expenses as a bachelor. I felt left out every time there wasn’t enough money for hair care products after we spent much more on toilet paper than he had planned. Also, he had too much faith in my ability to feed us on a limited budget. Sometimes I think he divided his old food budget by ten and said that should be enough for two since I said he could give me any food budget greater than zero and he’d still gain weight (I was right, btw, but I probably should have chosen my words a little more carefully). Since he had no input on what was important to me, he made some decisions that in retrospect we both regret, e.g. he cut one car out of the equation and said we could get by easily on one car. Basically, with only one person devising the budget and expecting the other person to live by it, you set the family up for conflict of interest, feelings of resentment towards the budget by the non-budgeter and feelings of resentment towards the non-budgeter when they get dissatisfied with the arrangement. This is not a good way to start a marriage!
Individual Control of Budget Categories (Based on their importance to the individual)
This time around, I took responsibility to purchasing, tracking spending and adhering to the budget on categories near and dear to my heart, particularly food, upkeep, the garden, gas for the car, our various set bills, and my own allowance. DH took responsibility for seeing to the rest. This allows me to get his input on the menu and what he needs, then do various trade-offs at the store and at home to make sure all our needs and wants are covered. As long as there’s food he likes on the table, enough gas to get to work, and shampoo and toilet paper in the bathroom, he doesn’t particularly care whether I made the pancakes from scratch or from a mix. As long as we get to go out occasionally, I’m not too concerned if DH says, “well, honey, going to X restaurant is pretty expensive, why don’t we go to W, Y or Z, instead so we can also go out next week?”
Contrast this with the first time around, when DH was solely responsible for all tracking and maintaining adherence to the budget. I still was responsible for purchasing a lot of things, which led to a number of problems. First, there was a lag between when I’d buy something and DH would have a chance to track it. Second, tracking all expenditures by two people in a two person home is really too much work for one individual who has a demanding job and would like a little spare time on occasion. It’s not surprising that he fell behind on tracking occasionally. There was one infamous example (in my mind, anyway), where I thought we had plenty of money for all the household items we needed that month and I could finally buy that cheap $10 grill I’d been wanting for what seemed like forever. The morning of the shopping trip where I would finally get the grill, DH tallied up the expenses and made a shocking discovery – we were already over budget! The damage probably would’ve been mitigated if he’d mentioned this before we already had the grill in the checkout line at the store, but it would have been a very challenging moment for me no matter how he broke the news.
Individual “Freedom” Allowances
These, I think, are absolutely essential. It’s one thing to have $20 to spend on WHATEVER I WANT and another thing all together to try to justify how to work an eyebrow wax or a particularly expensive specialty beer into one of the categories of an already tight budget. This allows both of us to feel no guilt whatsoever buying those little things that only benefit one of us that the other sees as completely superfluous. It’s MY allowance, I’ll spend it however I want, thank you very much. This may not be as important for well established couples, but it is truly what makes or breaks our little budget. My big problem with the no-allowance method is that I feel very constrained to never spend only on myself, but very generous with items that only benefit DH. The allowance method gives me freedom from this constraint and gives me permission to go pay that nice lady at the salon to wax my eyebrows and that specialty shop for a 6-pack I read about in the brewing magazine. Even if you feel no compunction spending on items that benefit only one member of the family, you may want to think of your spouse. DH has no problem with the no-allowance method because he can accept that there are times when we’ll have to spend on things that only benefit one of us, but he’s considerate enough to my silly prejudices to still give us both allowances. He’s nice like that!
Summary:
Start Slow
This time around with the budget we’ve started exceptionally slow. Instead of starting our budget by setting ambitious goals on how much we want to save and pay down on loans, we started by looking at how much we currently spend on various categories. For the first month, we didn’t even set a budget, we just each made a conscious effort to catalogue what we were spending normally. Then we broke this down into categories: set and necessary monthly bills, variable and necessary monthly expenses, variable and unnecessary monthly expenses. In the set necessary monthly bills we include rent, credit card payments, student loan payments, phone and internet, insurance and parking (even though this is bi-annual, we set aside the amount for these payments as if they were broken down monthly and stick the money in savings for the next time the bill is due), etc. In the variable necessary monthly expenses we include gas for the cars, electricity and gas for the house, food, laundry, and miscellaneous household upkeep (you know, toilet paper, shampoo, that kind of thing). In the variable unnecessary monthly expenses are separate accounts for dining out together, doing fun stuff on weekends (the wine and jazz festival, camping, rock climbing, etc.), our own allowances (for days when we forget to pack a lunch, want to buy cokes from the vending machine, DH’s fantasy novels and poker, my random addictions too many to list here, etc), and the garden. (Don’t get me started on the garden being considered an unnecessary expense, but at least my lobby to not have it taken out of my allowance was met favorably.) We designated an amount to put towards each sub-item equal to the amount we spent on it the first month, when we weren’t budgeting. Throughout the month we record where the money goes each day, and at the end of the month, we examine what can easily be trimmed without affecting our lifestyle too much. We do this every month, until we have an aggressive savings and payment plan in place.
Contrast this version with the version from the first time around: the aggressive savings and payment plan came first, and then we took what little money was left and tried to distribute it between the various categories all in one sharp transitional month. Our lifestyle changed very suddenly, and it was a painful process for both of us. We place different importance on the “unnecessary” budgeting areas, and caused no end of jealous guarding of funds as he wanted expensive bleu cheese and I wanted to buy a grill. Take note here that we thought I could feed us on less than a dollar a day. I can, and maybe we’ll do that experiment again, but let me tell you, it is NOT fun to go from a newlywed couple enjoying steak and wine to a newlywed couple eating bean stew three meals a day without a slow transition.
Individual Input and Commitment
This time around, we sat down together “family meeting” style and drew up our plan for how to approach the budget. After agreeing on a “slow start” with a month of no budgeting, just cataloging, we each committed to tracking our spending. Then we had another family meeting, and negotiated categories and amounts to go to each category. Because we each had equal say in how to categorize spending and how much money goes to each category, and the categories and dollar amounts were based on reality, we were able to give equal commitment to the budget. We also had a caveat for the first month that if we found our original plan was unsustainable in one area, we could change it for the next month. This gave each of us a sense of freedom with the budget instead of a sense of confinement and resentment towards the plan.
Contrast this with the first experiment, where DH drew up the budget based on his own expenses as a bachelor. I felt left out every time there wasn’t enough money for hair care products after we spent much more on toilet paper than he had planned. Also, he had too much faith in my ability to feed us on a limited budget. Sometimes I think he divided his old food budget by ten and said that should be enough for two since I said he could give me any food budget greater than zero and he’d still gain weight (I was right, btw, but I probably should have chosen my words a little more carefully). Since he had no input on what was important to me, he made some decisions that in retrospect we both regret, e.g. he cut one car out of the equation and said we could get by easily on one car. Basically, with only one person devising the budget and expecting the other person to live by it, you set the family up for conflict of interest, feelings of resentment towards the budget by the non-budgeter and feelings of resentment towards the non-budgeter when they get dissatisfied with the arrangement. This is not a good way to start a marriage!
Individual Control of Budget Categories (Based on their importance to the individual)
This time around, I took responsibility to purchasing, tracking spending and adhering to the budget on categories near and dear to my heart, particularly food, upkeep, the garden, gas for the car, our various set bills, and my own allowance. DH took responsibility for seeing to the rest. This allows me to get his input on the menu and what he needs, then do various trade-offs at the store and at home to make sure all our needs and wants are covered. As long as there’s food he likes on the table, enough gas to get to work, and shampoo and toilet paper in the bathroom, he doesn’t particularly care whether I made the pancakes from scratch or from a mix. As long as we get to go out occasionally, I’m not too concerned if DH says, “well, honey, going to X restaurant is pretty expensive, why don’t we go to W, Y or Z, instead so we can also go out next week?”
Contrast this with the first time around, when DH was solely responsible for all tracking and maintaining adherence to the budget. I still was responsible for purchasing a lot of things, which led to a number of problems. First, there was a lag between when I’d buy something and DH would have a chance to track it. Second, tracking all expenditures by two people in a two person home is really too much work for one individual who has a demanding job and would like a little spare time on occasion. It’s not surprising that he fell behind on tracking occasionally. There was one infamous example (in my mind, anyway), where I thought we had plenty of money for all the household items we needed that month and I could finally buy that cheap $10 grill I’d been wanting for what seemed like forever. The morning of the shopping trip where I would finally get the grill, DH tallied up the expenses and made a shocking discovery – we were already over budget! The damage probably would’ve been mitigated if he’d mentioned this before we already had the grill in the checkout line at the store, but it would have been a very challenging moment for me no matter how he broke the news.
Individual “Freedom” Allowances
These, I think, are absolutely essential. It’s one thing to have $20 to spend on WHATEVER I WANT and another thing all together to try to justify how to work an eyebrow wax or a particularly expensive specialty beer into one of the categories of an already tight budget. This allows both of us to feel no guilt whatsoever buying those little things that only benefit one of us that the other sees as completely superfluous. It’s MY allowance, I’ll spend it however I want, thank you very much. This may not be as important for well established couples, but it is truly what makes or breaks our little budget. My big problem with the no-allowance method is that I feel very constrained to never spend only on myself, but very generous with items that only benefit DH. The allowance method gives me freedom from this constraint and gives me permission to go pay that nice lady at the salon to wax my eyebrows and that specialty shop for a 6-pack I read about in the brewing magazine. Even if you feel no compunction spending on items that benefit only one member of the family, you may want to think of your spouse. DH has no problem with the no-allowance method because he can accept that there are times when we’ll have to spend on things that only benefit one of us, but he’s considerate enough to my silly prejudices to still give us both allowances. He’s nice like that!
Summary:
- Start slow! Give you and your family time to adjust to your new, more financially responsible lifestyle. You’ll be less likely to cause the kind of strife that leads to everyone falling off the budget-wagon if you make the process as painless as possible.
- Let each member of the family participate in drawing up the budget and get input from everyone. You’ll be more likely to draw up a budget that the entire family is satisfied with, and each family member is more likely to stay committed to a budget they helped design.
- Give each member of the family a responsibility for an area of the budget. Heads of the household may want to divide based on who’s actually doing the spending in that area. Children, while not addressed here, can be responsible (with your help) for spending their allowance wisely and sustainably. My sister is only 5 years old but she can make decisions about whether she wants a cheap new toy this week or a more expensive new toy in a month or two. (This also helps keep her quiet about all her “I wants” – the answer to “can we get this?” can be, “How much money do you have?” then “This is too expensive, do you want to save up for it?” or “This costs X amount, do you want to spend your money on this, or do you want to save up for Y?”)
- Give everyone an allowance! Even adults appreciate having a few dollars a week to spend on things that just they benefit from. This helps keep that kind of individual spending to a set, budgeted limit, and alleviates some of the self-deprivation that eventually leads to resentment in some individuals (like me).
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